Chuck Norris

jambo · Post by **jambo** » Sun Jan 01, 2006 11:39 am

- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

- Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse? horses are hung like Chuck Norris

- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of ?beard?. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually ?Chuck Norris?more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris?robot in disguise,? and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

- Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, ?Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,? and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

- On the 7th day, God rested?. Chuck Norris took over.

- When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

- Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

- Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

- God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

- When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

- A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

- Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

- If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

- Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

- Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

- Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ?get out of jail free' card.

- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

- Chuck Norris invented water.

- Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, ?always leave things the way you found em!?

- One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

David Smith · Post by **David Smith** » Sun Jan 01, 2006 2:00 pm

Must say though i prefer the Mr T ones by a mile, but classic all the same

MadJedi · Post by **MadJedi** » Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:36 pm

chuck norris also had a part in bruce lee's death

Post by **mosespa** » Sun Jan 01, 2006 7:59 pm

David Smith wrote:

Must say though i prefer the Mr T ones by a mile, but classic all the same

I agree...for some reason, the Mr T ones make me laugh.

Chuck Norris doesn't.

(mosespa gets roundhouse kicked in the face.)

tea-set · Post by **tea-set** » Tue Jan 03, 2006 10:20 pm

if you can see chuck norris he can see you, if you cant see chuck norris you are seconds from death

my breakfast. · Post by **my breakfast.** » Tue Jan 03, 2006 10:36 pm

jedi with crazy diamonds wrote:chuck norris also had a part in bruce lee's death

and sold his gun to Lee Harvey Oswald... I see a pattern...

jambo · Post by **jambo** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 1:05 am

I just love the roundhouse kicking, it just goes on and on.

jambo · Post by **jambo** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:02 am

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

PublicImage · Post by **PublicImage** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:08 am

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

jambo · Post by **jambo** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:10 am

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/*

*note: may cause death by laughter, or a roundhouse kick to the head.

PublicImage · Post by **PublicImage** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:11 am

jambo wrote:http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/*

*note: may cause death by laughter, or a roundhouse kick to the head.

The truth hurts!

olzen · Post by **olzen** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:35 pm

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer!

apocalypse · Post by **apocalypse** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 7:42 pm

CNN was originally created as the Chuck Norris Network; to bring Americans up to date info on the ass kicking in realtime.

iwantmypinkfloydnow · Post by **iwantmypinkfloydnow** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 8:35 pm

How bought we take a pull on the Walker: Texas Ranger Lever?

CleverName · Post by **CleverName** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:02 pm

My favorite is "Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice."