Love the one you're with?

[PooF]

But surely millions of people are in that situation. Does anyone else have that moral dilema or any thoughts on this situation?

No, Joe, I think you are the only one.

[wiped]

This this thread just turn into Dear Jackie ?

[Flying pig437]

The wife and I have been together for almost ten years now. Shortly before we started dating I had a terrible breakup with the (then) girl of my dreams. It's odd to say it now cause it sounds so stupid in hindsight, but I just kinda figured the girl I'm with now would always just be "second best". That wore off pretty quickly in light of the things henno was talking about; the things that really define what love is. Take a chance with someone else.

Yeah. That could happen to anyone. You're lucky. I can only imagine that you girl of your dreams made you feel like I do about Helen. Why did you break up? Was she not into you like you thought or what? A lot of couples that are getting on well can end up hating each other. I've never had a g/f or been in a relatinoship so I've no experience of how things can go wrong. I didn't actually want to ask Helen out on a date, never mind propose to her till I was ready and my health problems were resolved but I just thought this bozo she's with might impregnate her or propose to her or she might leave the library for another job so I just went for it and hoped she's been secretly crusing on me likee I was crushing on her. She certainly could have done a better job of putting me off asking her out or even thinking about it. Sometimes she was a bit off and bolshy even but then most of the time she'd be all smiles. It was the fact she called her b/f 'commitment phobic' that really got to me though. It just made me think he doesn't really love her and if I showed her I did then she'd leave him. The big question now is what happens if they do split up? Will she then actually want to get together with me? If I knew that she would then I've got some hope. A/w Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I'll be glad Helen is sticking with her 'commiment phobic' bozo if I meet somone else I'm equally or more besotted with.

[Beowulf]

I like the discussion, very interesting. I was married for 20 years and mostly unhappy. I made a poor decision in my 20s that resulted in 4 wonderful children and an failed marriage. I made a wonderful decision in my 40s and am happier than I could ever have imagined; and yes, life is complicated and more mature partners come with 'baggage'.

My view is, if you can't tell your spouse/partner/beloved everything and be 100% honest with them then perhaps they are not the right person for you; though sometimes people settle for less than that and seem content enough.

Tricky; I may have to think about it some more

[cwta eugene]

Yeah. That could happen to anyone. You're lucky. I can only imagine that you girl of your dreams made you feel like I do about Helen. Why did you break up? Was she not into you like you thought or what? A lot of couples that are getting on well can end up hating each other. I've never had a g/f or been in a relatinoship so I've no experience of how things can go wrong. I didn't actually want to ask Helen out on a date, never mind propose to her till I was ready and my health problems were resolved but I just thought this bozo she's with might impregnate her or propose to her or she might leave the library for another job so I just went for it and hoped she's been secretly crusing on me likee I was crushing on her. She certainly could have done a better job of putting me off asking her out or even thinking about it. Sometimes she was a bit off and bolshy even but then most of the time she'd be all smiles. It was the fact she called her b/f 'commitment phobic' that really got to me though. It just made me think he doesn't really love her and if I showed her I did then she'd leave him. The big question now is what happens if they do split up? Will she then actually want to get together with me? If I knew that she would then I've got some hope. A/w Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I'll be glad Helen is sticking with her 'commiment phobic' bozo if I meet somone else I'm equally or more besotted with.

I was on a LDS mission for two years. I was somewhere I couldn't even gaze upon a woman, let alone date one. She had free reign during that time and found somebody else, breaking up with me in a series of nasty letters (phone calls aren't allowed on a mission). I didn't really have any say in the breakup at all. Anyway, be optimistic. You'll find somebody else!

[Hudini]

I think that you need to connect on all sorts of levels before you can say you love someone. You need to connect on an emotional level, on a spiritual level, on a physical and sexual level, and share a common sense of humour, sense of community and sense of humanity. Have you had to console this person at the loss of a close friend or family member? Have you had to stand by her if she missed a period and had a pregnancy scare? Have you gone away together on a holiday when it was just the two of you? Have you ever had to bail her out of a sticky situation or vice versa? These are the kinds of life experiences that i believe someone can look upon and say, yes, i know i love that person.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Although it is not a matter of time before all (or most) of these conditions are fulfilled, and you can really love someone after just a month or two of your relationship, most of these conditions do have to be fulfilled. But, that doesn't mean that a love relationship can't start right from a proposal. It may seem as a giant leap from being just acquaintances or not-so-close friends, but it could be a good starting point, depending on things that happen later. It doesn't necessarily mean that love (or anything in life, for that matter) should follow any strict patterns.

As for being in a temporary relationship and loving someone else, I won't repeat what I said, but I suggest you read Marquez's "Love In The Time Of Cholera" (or see a movie if reading is not your cup of tea). I know it's only fiction, but it offers an interesting view on the moral dilemma that is the issue here.

[boo]

i think this is interesting too....and wholeheartedly agree with henno and hudini.

as for me, i was desperately in love with a previous boyfriend and still not over him when i met someone on a commuter train one morning, someone i never envisioned as more than a casual friend. we talked about music and our lives up to that point. before long, and without even realizing it, i wasn't thinking about that other guy anymore. a love had grown on those train rides back and forth into nyc every day and on all those levels talked about here.

we've been together longer than some of you have been alive and married for most of that time. so you see, you just never know. love can sneak up on you sometimes....when you least expect it.

[my breakfast.]

I think the whole premise of OP being in love here is a bit wrong. As Henno said better, you cannot love somebody you only have a fleeting understanding of.


This girl's boyfriend cannot be a bozo if he is putting up with you lusting after his girlfriend all the time. I don't think this girl is giving you enough raw material to actually love her, so I think you are rather more in love with the idea of being in love with her, or at best scared of the alternatives.

I'm only 22 so hardly war ravaged but I can say that I'm with my current girlfriend for reasons other than why I was with previous girlfriends. I can also say that i knew my current girlfriend for the best part of two years before we started dating. Unless you live on a desert island (with bozochops and this other girl) there are other girls and other friends out there who just don't register that way at the moment.

[Flying pig437]

I think the whole premise of OP being in love here is a bit wrong. As Henno said better, you cannot love somebody you only have a fleeting understanding of.


.

You can to a certain extent.

[wiped]

I think the whole premise of OP being in love here is a bit wrong. As Henno said better, you cannot love somebody you only have a fleeting understanding of.


.

You can to a certain extent.

Im gonna have to say you can't. Actually, fleeting understanding is a contradiction in terms ... actually understanding someone takes time, shared experiences, ups, downs, hate, love, respect, protection, fragility etc etc ... you can't get that with snipets of conversation in a situation where one is serving another in the capacity of their job.

Sounds to me like you got a crush on someone who was being nothing more than nice to you and you've let yourself get caught up in romantic ideals.

Lay off the chick flicks , down a few cans of cider and stick on some Slayer.

[my breakfast.]

You make a good point. However I'm not sure it is possible to totally understand somebody and be able to say that your understanding of them is 0% what your mental construct of their make-up actually consists of. You will always have some expectations of them....

By fleeting understanding I merely meant that OP sees this girl in a certain way which is more or less true, but probably more weighted towards his mental construct of an 'ideal' girl rather than how she actually is.


As a friend once told me, when the girl is happy to fart infront of you certain things have gone too far. This creating an illusion to a certain effect and this 1% dehumanising thing is quite important even in fully understood relationships.

[Flying pig437]

Sounds to me like you got a crush on someone who was being nothing more than nice to you

Well that might have been the case but initially there was more to it than that. I've been going there for 3 1/2 yrs. and I'd pretty much stake my life on the fact she wasn't with bozo in early 2008. I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship then...i'm still not now but my paitience jjst snapped 'cause I thought bozo might knock her up or get over his 'commitment phobia' which just says it all really. If she want's to stay with some guy who's so in love with her he's scared of marrying her then that's her fault. I'm free of it now. I'll still yearn for her and feel the pain of knowing we'll never be together but it's not that hard to deal with. ha ha ha. I'm going to get my #1 on my bucket list and possibly #2 although I used to have Helen as my #2 dream but that was only 'cause I didn't want her to later see she was only my #3 dream if we got together. Which reminds me...

[Beowulf]

Sounds to me like you got a crush on someone who was being nothing more than nice to you

Well that might have been the case but initially there was more to it than that. I've been going there for 3 1/2 yrs. and I'd pretty much stake my life on the fact she wasn't with bozo in early 2008. I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship then...i'm still not now but my paitience jjst snapped 'cause I thought bozo might knock her up or get over his 'commitment phobia' which just says it all really. If she want's to stay with some guy who's so in love with her he's scared of marrying her then that's her fault. I'm free of it now. I'll still yearn for her and feel the pain of knowing we'll never be together but it's not that hard to deal with. ha ha ha. I'm going to get my #1 on my bucket list and possibly #2 although I used to have Helen as my #2 dream but that was only 'cause I didn't want her to later see she was only my #3 dream if we got together. Which reminds me...

There's no rule book. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't; sometimes it doesn't seem like it will or should work out but does anyway, sometimes its all happiness and roses-round-the-door and still falls apart for no good reason. I don't believe in 'fate' or any such nonsense; we muddle through life harvesting happiness and contentment where we can and giving and receiving love in random doses as we go.

Best not to try and rationalise or analyse it ... just accept life as it is