What's the funniest one-line quote you've ever heard?

Stiggs · Post by **Stiggs** » Fri Apr 18, 2003 3:34 am

I go to a website where they have daily one-liners posted. They're always funny, and I've contributed a few myself. I thought, why not have a funny post on NPF?

Here are a few examples.

Instead of the new Lord Of The Rings movie being called "The Two Towers", it should be called "Dude, where's my Precious?"

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Here's the best I've ever submitted:
"Men have two brains, only enough blood to support one, and gravity is not our friend."

So what have u heard that's funny?

Stiggs · Post by **Stiggs** » Fri Apr 18, 2003 3:36 am

Oh yeah one more

Out of respect for 9/11, I will no longer allow my twin children enter any Tower Records store ever again.

Spirit Catcher · Post by **Spirit Catcher** » Sat Apr 19, 2003 6:29 pm

You're looking glum'. 'Yes. My doctor says I can't play cricket.'

'Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!'

Stiggs · Post by **Stiggs** » Wed Apr 23, 2003 5:16 am

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Spirit Catcher · Post by **Spirit Catcher** » Wed Apr 23, 2003 8:28 am

.---------------- The Long Fart of the Law -----------------

FULLERTON, Calif. - Four police officers have been suspended
after they gave one woman a face full of hot fart. The offi-
cers had been called to the woman's house after she apparently
had attempted to commit suicide. Thinking she was unconscious,
one officer propped his butt up next to the woman's face and
gave the old - "this oughta wake her up" - bit. He wasn't
aware that the woman was actually awake. A second officer
climbed on the bed and pretended to lick her, acting like a
cat licking milk. Those two officers were given 60-hour su-
spensions without pay, while the other two were cut 12 1/2
hours each for failing to stop the misconduct. Hopefully her
mouth wasn't open at the time.

qjamesfloyd · Post by **qjamesfloyd** » Wed Apr 23, 2003 2:29 pm

The funniest one line quote:
"Robbie Williams has talent"ha ha!!!!!!

Post by **drafsack** » Wed Apr 23, 2003 10:48 pm

A student of mine was trying to discribe a fellow lecturer who is bald. When pressed about which lecturer he was on about he said "you know the one with the skin coloured hair".

Neil · Post by **Neil** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 5:53 pm

Roger Waters ,"My new solo album will be released very soon"

Feeling Very Pink · Post by **Feeling Very Pink** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 5:56 pm

Spirit Catcher wrote:

.---------------- The Long Fart of the Law -----------------

FULLERTON, Calif. - Four police officers have been suspended
after they gave one woman a face full of hot fart. The offi-
cers had been called to the woman's house after she apparently
had attempted to commit suicide. Thinking she was unconscious,
one officer propped his butt up next to the woman's face and
gave the old - "this oughta wake her up" - bit. He wasn't
aware that the woman was actually awake. A second officer
climbed on the bed and pretended to lick her, acting like a
cat licking milk. Those two officers were given 60-hour su-
spensions without pay, while the other two were cut 12 1/2
hours each for failing to stop the misconduct. Hopefully her
mouth wasn't open at the time.

dgsyd1 · Post by **dgsyd1** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 9:25 pm

"A Naked American Man Stole my Baloon."

dogs_pigs_n_sheep · Post by **dogs_pigs_n_sheep** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 9:53 pm

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face".

Feeling Very Pink · Post by **Feeling Very Pink** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 10:00 pm

dogs_pigs_n_sheep wrote:Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face".

The classics are always the best, eh?

Useful Idiot · Post by **Useful Idiot** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 11:16 pm

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin says "gee, it's getting hot in here." The other muffin says "Oh my god, a talking muffin!"

Useful Idiot · Post by **Useful Idiot** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 11:18 pm

And now another. Yes, this actually happened.

Scene: in my english class. Teacher finished reading us a short story, we are discussing it. The class has decided that the short story sucked.

Teacher: What are some elements that can make a short story good?
Me: Comedy. Comedy is good.
Girl behind me: Yeah, comedy is good.
Teacher: Yes, but this story tried to be funny.
Girl behind me: But it failed.
Teacher: Ok, then what do you think makes something funny?
*pause*
Girl behind me: I don't know...Jesus?

Tommy · Post by **Tommy** » Thu Apr 24, 2003 11:50 pm

haha thats great, you should ask her out